Authentic Truth

I have had this internal battle going on for most my life. Highs and lows that I experience like a ocean within. Some days I feel like reaching out, interacting and experiencing the world, and other days I find myself moving about in a cloaked world, being small and unseen.

This is something that I have hidden from others, a side of me I don't share. To those that know me, I am the positive upbeat person. The funny person that always has a great attitude, the person that listens and makes others feel better. The problem solver and smoother of things. And I love this part of me. I am good at it brings me untold joy. Yet behind a softer part of my heart is a shame and fear of letting others know about the depression that resides in my shadows.

I have these internal dialog arguments with myself. One voice wants to be authentic with others and tell the truth about all the facets of my emotional ocean, and then a louder voice chimes in saying that it is dangerous to do that because it can come back and hurt me. I will go through all these rational irrational debates about how my truth doesn't fit with all aspects of my life. The business life, the court life, the coaching/hypnotherapist life, the overall sane person life. But thankfully, the one place that I can be all of who I am in every color is in my relationship life, and for that I am beyond grateful.

I have been sharing with the world art and inspiration from the brighter upbeat part of who I am. Being that illusion of constant joy joy joy. And in that process I feel as though it creates a larger disconnect inside of me, a division of self rather than wholeness. This has been keeping me from doing the art I love because I am always waiting for the sunny side to shine before I mold any creation.

Yes, joy is still the ultimate goal, the light to set my sails towards, and the words that I would share with anyone asking for direction in their own lives.... find your joy. And even though so much of my wisdom and inspiration has come from the rise out of such shadows, I have found my bane has been in hiding my authentic truth of the rainbow of spectrum that I am. I have been unknowingly holding true joy at a distance. I've told myself a great story that's for sure. Every riddle and reason for why my world feels stuck and just out of reach. But my authentic truth I am ready to share, as frightening as it may be, is transparency.

 To to all of you who read my posts, have sessions with me, or interact with me in any way,

I say thank you.

Thank you from all of me.

 ...B